backstory

A little backstory

I was a Salvation Army kid so my first attempts at singing and playing music came in Sunday school.

But I sucked at singing, and quickly learned the under your beathe style. I sucked at band instruments too, failing at the trombone and then the tuba in rapid succession.

But it was only a small Hall, so I ended up relegated to a bass drum that was bigger than me. All I had to do was keep a simple beat, mostly 4/4. Except I couldn't even do that. And I had this funny little three-beat flourish that I always threw in at the end of that Sally Anne classic, There is no Satisfaction without S-A-L-V-A-T-I-O-N.

buom buom buom

It seemed to amuse people.

Later I took up the guitar, attempting to learn it on my own. But I only had one idiosyncratic strum and my fingers struggled to chord the frets cleanly and fast enough. I only ever managed to approximate a few songs: Suzanne, Bird on a Wire, Norwegian Wood, Squeeze Box.

And when I say 'approximate' I mean it. Apologies to John Lennon.

It may seem needless to say, to try playing with anyone else was an exercise in deep frustration and embarrassment. The truth was plain enough — I was an idiot musant and I just had to accept it.

so finally I just quit the trying
i rather think you'd have done the same
— from Just could never feel, a 1.0/2.0 karosong

So, I was totally unprepared when two songs started to channel through me on Christmas Day 1988.

They were an unexpected gift that changed my life.

And — very eventually — my singing.

The first to start that Christmas Day was Transformation 1.0, a near 15-minute mytho-poetic hero's tale, recounting the separation from and eventual return of the spiritual spark to the universal light. You know, just a simple little ditty.

The second was Proposal 1.0, the outcome of an intense emotional realization that my (then) wife and I were bonded at deep levels of our being.

They were the first two of ten all-original karosongs to channel through me over the next year-and-a-half (a period I now refer to as the first or 1.0 phase: see the songs for more on this and later phases).

Not that the 'come from dark' part of the channeling itself was that strange. In fact, I had always felt a 'muse' in my poetry and fiction writing, and my best poetry simply poured through me down to the page.

let me forget these words
and find that heart, frozen
like an edmonton sun
behind them

let my dreams of blood
harden, become raw
edged with stone

let this moment, this soft
bellied hobby, swell,
become biafran

i am writer. this air is
a prison whose bars
i cut with a pen

(breathe hard.
   let it out —
   words form. obey them,
   write them.)

That muse could happen in my professional television writing too. In fact my best programs — shows that won peer competitions — all had 'come from dark' inspirations.

And further, I had spent the previous several years learning and teaching a self-awareness meditation practice that was based on channeling energy from deeper levels of the universe. (See on channeling.)

So no it wasn't the channeling itself that was strange. It was that it was music . . . which made little rational sense at the time and in so many ways still doesn't.

And so that brings us back to that other question . . .

Why would those deeper energies choose an idiot musant to channel their songs?

but why?

But why an idiot musant?

Truth is, I don't know.

But I don't need to know. Channeling this music has been an extraordinary experience. It has enriched my life. It has opened me to energies, emotions and thoughts that I otherwise have no access to. And even though each song has taught me to sing it, I remain an idiot musant, as deeply blocked from the experience of creating music as I have ever been.

So why pick an idiot musant to channel music through? Is it proof, like REM says, that god has a sick sense of humour? Or proof the universe just loves a sappy soppy overcome all the odds dramatic story? Could be. Or could it be proof that those deeper energies know how to play the modern media game?

Yeah, could be that too.

My own theory? The energies made a bet.

They made a bet that they could channel music through anyone, even an utter idiot musant.

You know, a bit of a Pygmalion challenge . . . a little diversion for an eternal rainy afternoon, something to pass the time.

A little alcohol may have been involved.

A bit more seriously . . .

I cannot help but love these songs. Like any thrilled parent, whatever anyone else thinks, I think these songs are beautiful. And when they are finally performed by real singers, when they are finally given the musical heart that I cannot give them, I hope they are recognized as the extraordinary works they are.

As I said, I can't help but feel that way. You may not agree. That's ok. My personal identity and self-worth are not on the line here.

Even more seriously . . .

I believe the songs exist beyond me, that they are the product of a deeper level of universal consciousness than my own, and that they have been entrusted to me. It has been my role to bring these songs into this existence, and ready them for launch on their own. I am their custodian in the same way that a parent is custodian to their child.

(At least that's the official story. Find out more about the cosmic rakes make a bet and other theories for the existence of these songs in on singing.)

But what are they for? What do they mean?

Well that depends on what you mean by your questions.

If you mean to ask Does each each individual song have a meaning? I'd say yes, absolutely. Some songs slap you in the face with their meaning (Along the old Silk Road 3.1). Other songs provoke deep questions about life and death (As darkness falls 3.2). Others explore the joys human life brings, as well as its slings and arrows (The rain must fall 3.1).

Still others are just fun, which is its own meaning.

If you mean to ask Do the songs as a body of work have a meaning? I would have to say yes. The fact that they exist is their meaning. That 'stubborn fact' challenges the conventional description of 'reality'.

And the fact that they have channeled through an idiot musant is their meaning. That equally stubborn fact challenges conventional notions of agency, inspiration and creativity. What do any of these concepts really mean?

And that strikes at the very concept of individual consciousness. Does it even exist, or is it just a facade on the face of an incomprehensibly sentient universe?

So you might say as a body of work the songs are provocateurs, facts-on-the-ground challenging usual patterns of thinking.

If you mean to ask But what are the songs for? I would answer that they are for singing. They exist to be sung, to be heard.

Beyond that, I feel they will touch some performers and listeners in profound ways, triggering emotions and self-awareness as they did for me. Other performers and listeners will just 'meh' and move on. And that's okay too. I have no stake in any particular outcome, except to hear them sung. As karosong #4 says:

now don't get me wrong please don't mistake me
when I speak of faith here, it's just for me.
I have no faith to give, I have no faith to sell
— from Just could never feel, a 1.0 / 2.0 karosong

These songs are my faith, and my path. But that is entirely between this identity and those deeper parts that transcend but channel through it.

Still, this identity does hope your identity likes and enjoys the songs. May they speak to your path as you need.