the brief

the second eponymous karosong, on lessons learned, absorbed and released in the end of a 24-year marriage

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but i never thought i'd see this day
standing here at the end of this driveway
about to say adieu . . .

so before we do i just want to say

that i don't regret our marriage
and i don't regret our years
and no i don't regret the passions
the joys not even the sorrows

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It was a difficult song for a difficult period. As the lyrics came, there were tears, choking up, more tears, more choking up. I was living on the knife edge of my emotions, afraid I might fall off any time.

But I was processing those emotions as they came, coming to acceptance, even a kind of peace with it all. Eventually.

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i accept
i accept but regret that it's ending
a path breaks into two and each moves on to
futures that suddenly do not include the other

who'da thunk it eh? still. . .

so many years we shared the sun
so many years we shared the fun
so many years we shared the . . .
ah what's the point . . .

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Song titles usually have great emotional power for me, particularly when they appear in the lyrics. Especially, for me as a writer, when they are fused into a simply gorgeous metaphor.

And inevitably when they encapsulate both my inner world and the song itself.

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for yes i know
the rain must fall
for life to renew itself

tears are our rain
may they renew you

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It was months before I could get through those lines without choking up.

But that was the song's fulcrum, lyrically and emotionally. As the next sections clarified, I saw that the song was me coming to terms with the end of my marriage. And then letting go of it.

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some of the things
some of the things i do regret
are things i couldn't change

but to be fair some of them
were things i could have changed
if i'd wanted

i guess i didn't
enough

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As the lyrics were coming in, that process of coming to terms was actually happening inside me in my 'real' life. It was as though the song was leading me through the process of accepting and letting go. Suppporting me. Expediting it too.

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and i am sorry for both and
sorry for the many ways I hurt and
disappointed you

we diminish by the small failures
as well as the big ones
and death by either

or any mixture between

hurts just as much
hurts just this much

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I was working with a live version of Yanni's The Rain Must Fall from youtube. It was quite a bit longer than the finished karosong, but the karosong lyrics neatly ended just as Yanni's orchestra went into high-paced solo-swapping. (There's probably a term for that too.) There was exactly enough time in the transition for a final word and toast to life.

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meanwhile as i pulled out of the driveway
the last line of our short song over
on the radio the long song
played on

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The karosong ended, but life went on.

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Post-script

This was always a difficult song to sing because of the difficult emotions behind it, the raw hurt, wounded self, the sorrow, the loss. Even so, it was one of the first 3.1 songs to be 'released' — meaning sent out as a 'demo' to a very few people.