the brief
the “lazurus” song — a sorrowful yet hopeful contemplation on friendship and the struggle for personal growth across many years
Some karosongs almost defy classification. How do you classify a song that was channeled in the 1.0 phase but forgotten for more than 25 years? Then resurrected to kick start the third phase? Then changed its title 3 years later? *
Teddy bear / For the record was that song. As Teddy bear 1.0, it was the 6th karosong. As For the record, it was the 23rd, but the title only changed long after it was finished channeling.
i tried to tell you once
just what you meant to me
just what you were to me
but you weren't listening
by then you weren't truly there
but then again neither was i
i'd gone to my hideaway
a bit of backstory
One night during the first phase, my wife Leanne came home from seeing a friend who knew both of us. Her friend, said Leanne, had been given a message for me. I needed to write a song for a childhood friend. But maybe not one from this lifetime.
Understand that this was not out of the blue. Leanne and I were teaching the meditation in Edmonton at the time, and many of the people we knew were 'new age' or -ish at least, including this particular friend.
So I took it as a serious message. And it was. There was a song there.
it's the place, the place I found
where nobody, nobody could put me down
it's the space, the space I learned
not to feel the feelings that churned
deep inside of me
But as I said, it was almost entirely forgotten for more than 25 years. I only remembered it as unfinished, just a stub song that never went anywhere. I had little memory of it channeling, only a vague recollection of the lyrics, no memory of the melody or chords.
I did remember trying to work out who that "childhood friend" was but not being certain of any answer (still the case). Which uncertainty left me dissatisfied. I also remembered powerful emotional connections as the lyrics came. Yet I remembered finding the title reference to a teddy bear and the last of the five verses somehow . . . not quite right, superflorous in some way.
So there was a level of dissatisfaction with the song overall — beyond the normal despair at the quality of my singing and playing.
Perhaps that's why it was forgotten.
not to feel the pain and hope
not to feel the fear and hate
the loneliness
the emptiness
but it was too far
we grew apart
we ended
But the song was actually complete back in the first phase. Guitar chords, melody, lyrics, bad singing, worse strumming — the whole s/hebang.
I only rediscovered this sometime in late 2016 when my first ever artist search on Spotify (for Yanni of course) popped up the song One Man's Dream as the first result.
I 'knew' it would be a karosong instantly but didn't know why. Until I remembered the "teddy bear" stub, found the lyrics, discovered they were complete, and then 'remembered' that I had channeled those lyrics with One Man's Dream at a Yanni concert a year or two before.
And so a new? old? asynchronous collaboration was . . . birthed? hatched? conceived? plotted? I sometimes think the song energies make a point of ostentatious, even outlandish plotlines and synchronicities.
but here'ś the irony
not to hurt was not to feel love
not even for myself
is it any wonder then
all those years we tried to be friends
and yet when it came right down
all I ever played was the clown
it was all I knew
As noted elsewhere, this was the first youtube karosong, channeled by singing to One Man's Dream in my living room, rather than at the computer.
Once started, the song came quickly, in little more than a month. The lyrics for the first four 1.0 verses fit into the music 'just like that', as though they had been written by Yanni's flowing piano. The original 5th verse, the one I felt was not quite right, was simply dropped.
The biggest challenge was that I could not do it justice. It was a 'crooner' song that needed a stronger, fuller, more dynamic yet emotional delivery than I could manage at the time.
I didn't dislike it. I just wished for more.
for the clown has his smile painted on
and his tears only come when they are called
but I've been working on learning to love and accept myself
because that'ś the only way
I'll ever come to love another
to love you
In the summer of 2020, when the stronger, fuller, more dynamic yet emotional voice of the 'whole/full karo' was emerging, I started going back to older songs and working on them in that new! improved! voice.
Teddy bear was one of the first of these updates. Going back to it triggered a sudden addition to the end of the lyrics, the phrase "for the record".
it isn't easy mind you now
and every step's a hard won gain
but someday soon I hope to say
these words that still inhabit my brain
just what you meant to me
just what you were to me
for the record
That brief phrase completed the song.
No it didn't. There was still a final change to come.
Most karosongs have opening credits, a practice that goes back to the early second phase, recognizes the unique nature of these songs and acknowledges my unwitting collaborators.
But One Man's Dream had no room for opening credits. If there were credits, I'd assumed they'd be given as part of a verbal introduction.
A few months after getting "for the record" as the last line, I suddenly got that it was also the start of the credits, the closing credits in this case.
for the record
a 3.1 karosong
with One Man's Dream
by the simply incomparable Yanni
* Rhetorical questions only. You classify it as a 2.3 karosong because it's an asynchronous collaboration based on 1.0 lyrics but it channeled in the third phase rather than the second. See? Easy peasy.
the lyrics
-- 1 --
I tried to tell you once
Just what you meant to me
Just what you were to me
But you weren't listening
By then you weren't truly there
But then again neither was I
I'd gone to my hideaway.
It's the place, the place I found
Where nobody, nobody could put me down
It's the space, the space I learned
Not to feel the feelings that churned
inside of me
inside of me
-- 2 --
Not to feel the pain and hope
Not to feel the fear and hate
Not to know the loneliness
Not to hear the emptiness
but it was too far
we grew apart
we ended
But here'ś the irony
Not to hurt was not to feel love
And not to feel at all was
Not even to feel myself
Is it any wonder then
All those years we tried to be friends
And yet when it came right down
All I ever played was the clown
It was all I knew
-- 3 --
for the clown has his smile painted on
and his tears only come when they are called
but I've been working on learning to love and accept myself
Because that'ś the only way
I'll ever come to love another
to love you
it isn't easy mind you now
and every step's a hard won gain
but someday soon I hope to say
these words that still inhabit my brain
just what you meant to me
just what you were to me
for the record
a 2.3 karosong featuring. . .
One Man's Dream by the incomparable Yanni
the vault
There are no recordings of Teddy bear, the 1.0 version of this song. In fact, I had forgotten the original song, and only remembered it as an incomplete stub.
For the record, the 2.3 version of this song, was channeled during the period my recording equipment was packed up and in storage. So there are no recordings from the active channeling period.
Once back in the studio, the song mastered within just a few months.
arc01 / first 'release' — mid June 2019 [7]
I came back to this song during the first period of the whole/full karo emerging in 2020. The connection to the song was as strong as ever.
arc03 / post "full karo" — mid November 2020 [7]
I worked on relearning the song in the emerging whole/full karo vox the next year. By that November, the song had been re-mastered.
arc06 / remastered — mid October 2021 [7]
Once mastered, all karosongs go on the 'maintenance' schedule, which means they are sung at least once every couple of weeks. Their delivery changes/improves with the overall development of my singing.
A recording from the end of 2022, when the whole/full/on karo vox was firmly established.
arc07 / whole/full/on karo — end December 2022 [8]
